On being alive

24 feb. 2025

I've been wanting to get back into this whole website thing. I like it here but I've been drowning. You know the meds can only help you so far, then it's up to you and sometimes I don't have it in me. I'm disappointed. I used to think I would do so much and now here I am, somehow an adult and alive and I still struggle to shower, to cook for myself, to wake up. All I want is to be outside, in the world. Feel the air, swim and scream when a seaweed brushes against me. I want to feel connected with what is, with people, but it's too far away. Maybe I am not alive enough yet. I used to think I would be dead and now I am not. I don't want to be. I'm surprised it feels worse. I want to live and it feels worse. I will forgive myself for wanting to die and leaving me as helpless as I am now. I did what I could and I was a child. I often think of this painting the lady in the river surrounded by leaves and flowers. I envy her, I think.