disclaimer - Major Spoilers for The Tawny Man Trilogy by Robin Hobb
Once again, I am amazed at the depth of emotions I feel because of fiction. I'm not enjoying too much that's it is dread and heartache right now, but it is still amazing, I will admit.
I will try to not judge myself, I do think I'm being silly, but starting now, I will ignore that and say what's on my mind.
Man, where to begin?
I feel... Shit honestly I feel like I could puke. When I started writing this yesterday, my eyes were puffy from crying and I was trying not to cry anymore because I had a doctor appointment later that day and I wanted to be able to see. A day later, the only thing that changed is that I can let myself cry as much as I want. I feel sick and some kind of deep, deep despair that won’t go away. I woke up at dawn yesterday, before that I even think, and more gave up on trying to sleep than anything else. At least last night was somewhat peaceful. I didn’t dream, I don’t think, but when I woke up I could only think about one thing.
Last chance and then it's spoiler town, baby
I just can't believe the Fool would leave. I mean I believe it, such a fool he would do something like that, but I can't accept it. It breaks my heart so deeply that him and Fitz should be apart. And without Nighteyes. The whole, broken into pieces. “Content” is the word Fitz uses at the end of the book and I believe that he is. I’m so happy he is, he deserves at least that and it’s part of the reason I can’t stop crying but also, his last words are for the Fool. That part of him that hopes they will see each other again, that longing. I cannot take it. How lonely he must be despite all the happiness he finally has.
It's not that I dislike Molly. I’ll be honest I don’t really get it, I connect so much more with Kettricken and Patience, even Starling, but I do like her. It’s just that Molly feels like a fantasy. Something Fitz could dream about and torture himself with when he was a teenager. Not a real woman. He has not been honest and himself with her since he was like eleven. Even from her point of view, it's wild that she would take him back. Even if he's canonically hot. Their relationship in the Farseer trilogy is not working, like at all, and that’s were they left things. I still think it was cute how he courted her at the end, that they took it slow, the charming scene with the bees, but I can't help but think that it's her because it was easier. I'm not sure why easier is bad.
When you compare it with his relationship with the Fool, the depth of it, the selflessness, the understanding, the love, the literal magical bound between them. They are one. Even with half a soul, Fitz's love for the Fool never wavered. Why would the Fool let go now? I can't take it!
I think something hits too close to home with this. I'm not sure what. Maybe it's that I feel so lonely. Because of my sister's boyfriend I lost part of the time I could spend with her and my nephew. Because my parents are childish and if not narcissists, deeply egocentric people, and because they hurt me so deep, I lost all the time I could ever have with them. I lost my dog and with him my ability to face other people as myself. Part of myself. It was so long ago. I'm an adult now and still that pain is frozen is ice. I will always be a child as I face it, or rather as I try to escape it. In pieces.
Part of me is enjoying the pain, I think. Because I judge myself too harshly to allow myself to feel it for my own sorrows. Right now I can cry, lose sleep, hurt so deeply I cannot eat and say it's all because of Fitz, the Fool and Nighteyes and ignore that it is because they revealed a hurt I already had inside of me. That way I'm just being silly and I can laugh as I wipe my cheeks covered in tears. A pretty little shield. One I will have to surrender one day. But please don't make me.
To be frank this trilogy was rough to read. I know there's a lesson somewhere. A lesson about not leaving all your pains in a dragon. That without it you cannot really live, cannot really love, cannot really be yourself. And maybe dragons and books are not so different. A lesson about letting go, also. A lesson about letting in. Things I’m not really good at.
I'm jealous of Fitz with his new family, with his old one as back together as it can be. But the tears of joy are tainted by the sadness I feel for the Fool, going back, almost alone, to a place he will probably find terrible pains in. It feels unfair. Maybe even wrong. Is it revealing some kind of egotistical entitlement I have, that I think Fitz should have sacrificed part of his dream life for the Fool? His Fool? His Beloved? Why was he ready to give his life but not that? Wait no, he was. He tried. And the Fool did not let him. I don't understand why yet. Or I do but it’s way too sad.
I know their story is not over. I’m pretty sure given the title of the last trilogy that they will cross path again but I think that with the Tawny Man Trilogy I understood that there is no “happy ending” in sight. I passed the halfway point, heartbroken, and it’s not going up from there. It will always be a bittersweet story that echoes strangely with my bittersweet memories. Robin Hobb’s books are fantastic, the Realm of the Elderling such a fascinating place but it is not for the faint of heart.
In that last dance of chances
I shall partner you no more.
I shall watch another turn you
As you move across the floor.
In that last dance of chances
When I bid your life goodbye
I will hope she treats you kindly.
I will hope you learn to fly.
In that last dance of chances
When I know you'll not be mine
I will let you go with longing
And the hope that you'll be fine.
In that last dance of chances
We shall know each other's minds.
We shall part with our regrets
When the tie no longer binds.
I have never been wise.