What is this? So, if I'm not mistaken (please tell me if I am) this will only be visible for people who are on neocities but since I'm not linking it anywhere, virtually invisible to other people. Most people I know from real life do not know I have a website, but just in case I feel like some thoughts should be a bit hidden. So if you know me in real life I beg you don't read this! You will notice it's mainly stuff about my boyfriend right now. He's nice. I'm just very easily bored.
3 nov. 2026 - 12:05 Whoops, let's delete most of that lil crash out, ok?
2 nov. 2026 - 20:53 At this point I'm hoping she's perceptive and just pitying me, because I'm acting so rude!
2 nov. 2026 - 20:51 God I'm such a loser...
31 oct. 2026 - 18:25 Another derby girl said hi to me though, that was nice
31 oct. 2026 - 18:22 Ah... This is becoming an issue.
31 oct. 2026 - 18:21 I asked my boyfriend if he thought the guy she was with was her boyfriend and he said "I hope not she could do better." *insert joke about someone else she could do*
31 oct. 2026 - 18:20 Or maybe she just didn't see me cause I'm not the main character in people's life
31 oct. 2026 - 18:20 Of course now I'm convinced she hates me and thinks I'm cringe and wants nothing to do with me
31 oct. 2026 - 18:19 I Don't know if she saw me then but later I'm so sure she did and I was going to wave but she looked away and after that she never looked my way again and I'm too shy to go say hi so we were 10 meters away for maybe an hour and no talking
31 oct. 2026 - 18:19 The setting this afternoon was a french protest (a lot of walking and screaming anti-fascist chants). When I first saw her I blushed so hard my boyfriend laughed at me for a while...
30 oct. 2026 - 23:39 Wait a minute! She set me up!
30 oct. 2026 - 23:38 But yeah clearly last year I got super overwhelmed by it all and pretty much fled. Then I absolutely forgot about it until my therapist suggested I try again this year
30 oct. 2026 - 23:25 Oh but very interesting, I've written absolutely NOTHING about when I joined (and quit) last year. Just that I was not made to talk to people and that I was happy they asked after me when I stopped going. I was in kind of a bad place though to be fair and jumped head first into the Realm of the Elderlings to cope.
30 oct. 2026 - 23:18 To be clear I don't think it was specifically about the girl I have a crush on right now. Like I remember her but also most of the others. It was just the overall vibe.
30 oct. 2026 - 23:16 Some of it is kind of prettily written I might share it in my journal page actually
30 oct. 2026 - 23:12 I felt the need to go read my journal entries from when I first went to see a roller derby match (the people I've been practicing with lately were playing) from a year and a half ago and god it's hilarious! Apparently I had a headache for three days afterwards and wrote a whole dramatic entry about daydreaming about girls... Be for real!
30 oct. 2026 - 22:33 Ok. Ok. I'm a grown woman. I am not thirteen. I'm fine. I gotta chill.
29 oct. 2026 - 22:51 Ah god shit Fuck...
29 oct. 2026 - 22:48 Like I wish I would come back from an interaction with her and be like "ok I did not like that"
29 oct. 2026 - 22:46 Ok sorry had to bike home I'm not done. She said she was going to walk home and I was about to say we could walk together but someone offered to drive her why am I so slow?
29 oct. 2026 - 22:25 I have other thoughts but they're too pathetic.
29 oct. 2026 - 22:25 Who the guy was - still unclear. I realised I didn't really want to talk about the fact that I have a boyfriend
29 oct. 2026 - 22:24 And stop laughing at my shit jokes and being interesting and coming back to sit next to me and looking at me when I talk
29 oct. 2026 - 22:22 God I'm so fucked what am I even supposed to do she's so cute and cool I can't do this !
29 oct. 2026 - 12:14 I know times are hard, but I just want to share a life with someone
29 oct. 2026 - 12:12 Like he's sweet but there's a reason why I'm entertaining a crush on someone else. I'm doing most of everything and I'm tired of it...
29 oct. 2026 - 12:11 I'm annoyed because my boyfriend said he would help me pay for the car insurance, the gas, stuff like that. He was supposed to go back to his driving lessons also. But none of that is happening.
27 oct. 2026 - 12:43 Happy one month anniversary to my unrequited crush! Hope it ends soon. Don't think it will...
27 oct. 2026 - 23:11 Yeah no ok closing reddit!
27 oct. 2026 - 23:10 People who are saying "decades" on reddit - I don't have your commitment
27 oct. 2026 - 23:07 How long do crushes last ? Because tomorrow it'll be a month and I don't feel like I'm getting better
27 oct. 2026 - 23:04 People who like when I update this, are you really reading my thoughts or are you just being nice? I don't know what I'm hoping for!
26 oct. 2026 - 21:43 If I had friends I would text them with all this instead of oversharing on the internet but sadly I do not...
26 oct. 2026 - 21:36 And I'm really liking this menu
26 oct. 2026 - 21:31 My therapist says it's fine. That it's not because I have food at home that I'm not allowed to look at the menu. Her words not mine.
26 oct. 2026 - 21:26 Since I had to carpool back home (with someone else) I didn't have my usual 15 minutes crash out in the car screaming love songs, so now I don't know what to do with myself...
26 oct. 2026 - 21:25 When I woke up from my dream last night I could not help but say "Oh I'm so fucked!", (I think I also sat and ended on my knees?) so loud it woke my boyfriend and I lied and said I had a nightmare. I still agree with that sentiment
26 oct. 2026 - 21:22 God the heart-eyes I must have..
26 oct. 2026 - 21:21 Making people you like laugh is also such a high!
26 oct. 2026 - 21:21 I have no words, I just want her to like me so BAD
26 oct. 2026 - 21:21 Oh my god she's so...
26 oct. 2026 - 14:49 Had an embarrassing dream last night, my car broke down this morning, now guess with who I'm carpooling to go to practice!
22 oct. 2026 - 21:59 Also I talked about all this with my therapist, most embarassing session yet! And it's been four years.
22 oct. 2026 - 21:57 It's just that I had nothing to say. I was tired and cold!
22 oct. 2026 - 21:54 Heterosexual? 👀
22 oct. 2026 - 21:54 Went to a thing. She appeared a few minutes after my boyfriend left me alone to go get something. A guy was with her. It was awkward.
19 oct. 2026 - 23:09 Me reading yuri is unrelated
19 oct. 2026 - 23:08 I did tell her that after a comment she made I had to rethink my entire life. It was obviously a joke, it was about something silly, but still, do I have to be this intense?
19 oct. 2026 - 23:02 Maybe I get a vibe though? I don't know. It might just be in my head. I've never been too good at this (I'm actual dog shit actually).
19 oct. 2026 - 22:57 Ok ok SO, I wouldn't say the crush is gone (it's really not) BUT it's more fun cheeky whatever now!
13 oct. 2026 - 01:02 Guess I love pathetic men too much not to be one sometimes
13 oct. 2026 - 01:01 She was letting me not talk to her too much, I had to do something you see. Cause then she was nice again
13 oct. 2026 - 00:58 Once I said that though I feel like I was more normal (meaning extremely charming and funny, I am a joy to be around - I wish)
13 oct. 2026 - 00:52 To answer my own question, I literally told her "I saw you looking at me, and it got me flustered" so... That plus the fact that for half the practice I could not look at her, I would say pretty fucking obvious!
12 oct. 2026 - 21:50 Like can people tell? CAN SHE??
12 oct. 2026 - 21:36 I wonder how obvious I am haha
12 oct. 2026 - 21:30 She touched my arm aaaaah
11 oct. 2026 - 15:27 Ok the week long panic attack has ended
10 oct. 2026 - 22:45 I've been listening to Loser by Tame Impala a lot 🤡
10 oct. 2026 - 22:44 Maybe because I'm anxiety in human form...
10 oct. 2026 - 22:44 I don't know why when we're at home we really have fun my boyfriend and I but every time we go out it's so awkward...
10 oct. 2026 - 22:42 No hot girl tonight. Or any girl really. Actually, for unrelated reasons, it was very lame and we're already back home..
10 oct. 2026 - 15:29 Hilarious that it took two compliments from a cool girl who knows my name, for me the panic and rethink my whole life!
10 oct. 2026 - 15:25 So I don't drink but I might puke tonight
10 oct. 2026 - 15:25 He really wants to meet them
10 oct. 2026 - 15:24 Tonight, with my boyfriend, we're going to some kind of party/protest/fundraiser thing in a bar and some of the derby girls might be there
10 oct. 2026 - 15:16 Yep... It's still going on... I think I feel guilty. And also pretty existential about my reaction
8 oct. 2026 - 14:36 Day two of being in a state of generalised panic. When I said I was not equiped to deal with anything I was not kidding!
7 oct. 2026 - 23:33 My god, why is the intrusive daydreaming about introducing my grandparents??? I dont know if I should laugh or cry !
7 oct. 2026 - 17:50 Boyfriend is being so lovely
7 oct. 2026 - 17:45 The plot today was a panic attack, because like, what am I even doing? I'll find a way to stop it!
6 oct. 2026 - 18:45 Very french of me to spot a crush at a protest
6 oct. 2026 - 00:30 I usually delete my gay panics but let's keep this one in. See where the plot takes us.
5 oct. 2026 - 23:19 If any of them ever suspects anything, let me die, I'm not kidding.
5 oct. 2026 - 22:43 "Last year? Oh yeah I did think she was very hot. Did I mention it to anyone? God no. But it did freak me out enough that it was one of the reasons I stopped going. Thank god it was so hard to get there, haha, perfect excuse, wasn't it?"
5 oct. 2026 - 22:42 "Yes, so I started roller derby like you suggested, and since I thought it was cool last year. Yes, it is still very cool. Loving the people, the vibe. Tiring but really fun. The only thing is, I started daydreaming about one of them. Nothing crazy, just very very gay stuff. But I guess let's start to worry about it when it becomes night dreaming, ok?"
5 oct. 2026 - 22:41 The question is, is writing all this down helping or making it worse? God... I'll have to talk about it with my therapist. Fuck it's gonna be so awkward.....
5 oct. 2026 - 22:35 The annoying thing is that, I feel like I'm pretty friendly overall, to everyone, but I'm so impressed by her that I can't really be doing words when she's around
5 oct. 2026 - 22:35 Obviously I'm not going to do anything. I'm a mess, not a bitch
5 oct. 2026 - 22:29 BUT, and not to be the one who blames it all on ADHD, I do really feel like it's the new forbidden shiny thing, like when you're getting into a new hobby and wanting to buy everything you need.
5 oct. 2026 - 21:51 Now that it's just us, I will say, the idea of just touching her arm feels more exciting to me than kissing my boyfriend right now
5 oct. 2026 - 21:51 Which, you could argue is also cringe
5 oct. 2026 - 21:48 I do love my boyfriend obviously, it's just a silly little crush that will pass, I'm just gonna be cringe for a little while before going back to normal
5 oct. 2026 - 21:44 God this is embarrassing...
5 oct. 2026 - 21:43 Cute is not the word though. Hot morelikemaybeprobablywhoknows.
5 oct. 2026 - 21:42 That's ok she did say my name
5 oct. 2026 - 21:42 No compliment from the cute one today but compliments on my butterfly cardigan nonetheless
2 oct. 2026 - 11:09 Apparently I'm right on the generational line, so guess it make sense..
2 oct. 2026 - 11:06 I think technically I'm a millenial too but the cultural divide seems so big (and getting bigger) between me and my sister (and other people her age) that I have a hard time relating to millenials. Like at all!
2 oct. 2026 - 11:04 Seeing your educated millenial sister start reposting basically AI slop is very tragic.
1st oct. 2026 - 20:51 She's normal nice, I'm just... yeah
1st oct. 2026 - 20:50 Noooo the derby girl is too nice to me... I don't have the emotional maturity please be mean
29 sep. 2026 - 21:09 It is, I'm afraid, very related.
29 sep. 2026 - 21:04 Sorry about that, I'm very unequipped to deal with anything
29 sep. 2026 - 21:01 ...
29 sep. 2026 - 21:00 God... You guys are so childish
29 sep. 2026 - 21:00 BUT IT'S UNRELATED TO THE THINGS I SAID BEFORE
29 sep. 2026 - 21:00 And start writing my girlfriends shrine.....
29 sep. 2026 - 21:00 Probably gonna start watching House of the Dragon tonight...
28 sep. 2026 - 22:57 Twice, actually, but who's counting ?
28 sep. 2026 - 22:56 What's cool is that I'm not going to think about how she complimented me for a whole week
28 sep. 2026 - 21:01 No, dude no, don't have a crush on one of the derby girls 
17 aug. 2026 - 23:31 I wish I had friends to tell me what to do because I'm not in a bad situation, it's just very meh..
17 aug. 2026 - 23:27 If writing fanfiction is fun, why does my boyfriend feel like a wet sock every time I do it?